Like a bad song...

I have very mixed feelings about the fact that there are 36 days until results come out. I think it's still too far away to care all that much about, on the other hand, I'm starting to get sick of the occasional flashes of dread whenever something bar related pops into my head. It's been kind of like getting a bad song stuck in my head, it eventually goes away but its definitely something I can do with out.

What if...

Reader Curious asked a good question in the comments section, one that I’ve given considerable thought to:

Have you thought about what you will do if you obtain a non-legal job in these next couple of months and then find that you have indeed passed the bar? Will you still leave your current position?
I'm in a similar position, and I'm debating how to move forward. Although I dislike the practice of law, I would feel bad choosing to leave my firm after having been supported by them during my re-taking of the bar.

First, I can only say that it depends on the type of non-law job I manage to find. I’m fairly deep in the interview process for a couple of non-law jobs (don’t want to jinx anything by naming the industries I’ve been targeting at the moment – am willing to go into more specifics via email). If all goes according to plan the issue of whether or not I pass or fail will be immaterial. I’m targeting industries where my legal education is of some value, but by not essential.

I don’t necessarily share Curious’ entirely warranted concern about feeling bad about leaving a firm after being supported by them during bar largely because the only support my firm gave me during my second attempt was to provide assurances that they would hold open my crappy clerkship and hire me as an associate should I pass this time around. Had they paid for my time off or for a bar review course, I might feel a little more loyalty, but in the dog-eat-dog world that is life I really have to keep my interests at the forefront and not worry too much about whether or not I’m going to burn any bridges on my way to getting the fuck out of law.

Finally, as a practical matter even if I wanted to go back into law right away after hypothetically making the jump and then finding out in May that I did in fact pass the bar I don’t think I’d be able to do anything about it given the absolutely horrendously over-saturated entry level legal market here in the bay area. Although I have a ton of legal experience I have no illusions what will happen if I ditch my current firm. I know, aside from issues related to the dearth of jobs, that I would have considerable difficulty finding another law job on account of failing the bar and exposing myself to questions about why I left my current firm after working there for nearly two years. However, I really feel that if I leave my fate to chance and wait to see whether or not I passed, I may very well find myself in a situation where I will be left scrambling to find a new job without a license. I guess I would rather run the risk of jumping out of the law then risk failing and essentially having to leave the law anyway.

In the end, I guess that if I pass after finding a non-law job I know I'll feel really good about passing, but doubt that I'll want to jump back into the law as a result. I've really come to the conclusion that I find the law tedious and boring and would probably rather do just about anything else then devote the rest of my life to the eternal joys that are discovery requests and cataloging the procedural requirements for quieting title to an outhouse, or some shit like that.

Back from the abyss (sort of)

Haven't posted for a while due to a combination of work, the ongoing job search, and various other time constraints. It finally seems that my schedule is about to clear up somewhat and I'll be able to resume my semi-regular posting schedule.

Happy one month anniversary (give or take)

Shit, so I guess a month ago today we were trying to come to terms with what was, by all accounts, a particularly nasty and brutal rendition of the bar exam. My concept of time is incredibly warped at the moment. On one hand it feels like it was a year ago, but it also feels like I just finished typing the last PT yesterday. Blonde Blogger recently pointed out that our friends over at the California Bar just released the questions from the exam. I have absolutely no interest in looking at them. I know that if I do, the few remaining hairs left on my head will immediately fall during the course of what would doubtlessly be a monumental panic attack.

I've really tried to push anything and everything bar related out of my mind, sometimes I think about it and experience a brief panic attack, but I've been surprised at how successful I've been at not thinking about that horror that was the bar. I know that as May 25 draws closer that its going to gradually become the only thing I think about. In some ways I'm glad it still aways off, at least I can try to pretend that perhaps the most important day of my perhaps brief legal career is still too far down the road to really care about. Anyway, just want to wish everyone a happy one month anniversary.

Weird

Bored at work today, so I decided to check out some of my old haunts during the bar including Travis Wise's group on Yahoo dedicated to the CA Bar. Kind of crazy, and more than a little weird, to read threads about making study schedules now for the July bar. God help them all.

What next?

Bif, in the comments for the preceding post, asked me what I am planning to do if I pass or fail the bar. This is a question that I have been giving a lot of thought to during the last couple of weeks and one that I will address over the next couple of weeks.

I’ve addressed touched upon here and there, but never hit head on. To make a long story short, I’m about 99% sure that I’m going to ditch the law and pursue a career in another field. This issue is highly complicated for me and is something that I will attempt to unravel over the next couple of weeks in this blog. It would be a lie to say that failing the bar had no impact on this decision, as it most certainly has. It’s too early to say whether or not I am viewing everything through the prism of bar failure and in the context of the long hard slog that is waiting for my results at the end of May.

I am beginning to think that maybe failing the bar might be the best thing that could have happened to me. Had I passed the bar, I would be more or less stuck in a career trajectory that increasingly holds little interest to me. Even before failing, I had pretty much grown to detest the law with the type of passion usually reserved for lima beans and a certain Texan currently occupying a big white house. I robotically marched into law school armed with a certainty bred sometime in middle school that I wanted to be an attorney. Now, I’ve been able to research and look for jobs that I might actually enjoy and may end up paying more than law.

Anyway, to answer Bif’s question, I am taking the next couple of months before results come out to aggressively look for a non-law job. If I find something I like then I’m going to run with it and forget about law. If I find something, discover I don’t like it, but pass the bar then I can use law as a back up. If I don’t find something outside of law and pass the bar, then once results come out I’ll throw myself wholeheartedly back into the law track. I think what I’m really trying to say (massive hangover seems to be killing any clarity at the moment) is that I don’t want to be caught with my pants down. There is no way I will write the bar a third time, so if I don’t pass I want to be sure that I have something lined up ahead of time so that I'm not left scrambling when results come out.

Riding the waves of panic

I'm amazed that it took this long to happen, but I finally had my first encounter with panic vis-a-vis my performance on the bar. It came out of the blue this morning, and it took me a couple of moments to regain my composure. I don't know if I want May 25 to hurry up and arrive or if I want it to stretch on forever so that I don't have to deal with what might happen if I don't pass. Either way, it looks like the next couple of months are going to be a fairly miserable.